Can’t believe I’m writing this, but I need some advice—and this group always comes through. My youngest child, my daughter, is turning 8 this month, and my husband and I made the really hard decision not to throw her a birthday party this year.
Over the last few months, her behavior has become incredibly difficult. I’m not talking about typical “off day” stuff. I mean frequent, intense outbursts—hitting, kicking, screaming, cursing, slamming doors, refusing to follow any directions, and saying deeply hurtful things to everyone in the family. It’s not isolated to one type of trigger or situation either—it’s been happening multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day.
We’ve tried everything—calm-down spaces, social-emotional tools, connecting before correcting, taking time to reflect together when things are calmer. But she flat-out refuses to use the tools and often escalates further when we try to help. It’s reached the point where my older child and I have both ended up in tears after the way she’s treated us when she’s upset.
One particularly heartbreaking example: on her older sibling’s birthday last month, she refused to join us for our celebratory family dinner. Not only that, she was so nasty to her sister that she ended up sobbing. My husband and I ended up taking our older daughter out to dinner without her. It was awful for everyone.
We told her several weeks ago that if she didn’t start being more respectful and cooperative, she wouldn’t have a party this year. We even gave her a few opportunities to earn it back with better behavior—but nothing really changed. And now here we are, just days away from her birthday, and I feel completely torn.
On one hand, this is the standard in our family: birthdays are a big deal. The kids get to skip school and do something fun with just us parents, pick out a special cake and theme, and have a party with friends. Her sister had a great party recently. So yeah—I feel sad and guilty that our youngest isn’t going to get that this year. She’s only 7, after all.
On the other hand, if we go back on the boundary we set—after clearly stating it and giving her chances to change—I’m afraid we’re just reinforcing that there are no consequences for truly harmful behavior. And she knows the expectations. She just isn’t interested in meeting them.
We do believe in gentle parenting, and I absolutely believe she’s a child who is having a hard time, not a “bad kid.” (Thanks Dr. Becky + Janet Lansbury.) But the truth is—our whole family is struggling right now. The emotional toll of her behavior has made daily life really heavy.
Tonight was just another example. We asked her to get pajamas on, and she shouted “I’m not doing anything you say!” and stormed off. We calmly told her it wasn’t a choice—it’s bedtime—but she just sat in her room reading, ignoring us. This kind of standoff happens every night and bedtime stretches until 10pm.
We’ve reached out to a few child therapists in hopes of getting her support, but there’s a wait to get in. Meanwhile, her birthday is coming up fast, and I keep second-guessing this decision not to celebrate.
Am I going to scar her by skipping her party this year? Will she just spiral more out of control if she feels rejected or left out? Or are we doing the right thing by holding the boundary and following through on a consequence we clearly stated?
Feeling really stuck and really sad about this.
– A Very Tired Mama
