As a Therapist, Wife and Mom (and after a lot of very wrong tries) I have been able to narrow down a nice why to communicate my feelings without the other person getting defensive. I now teach this method to all my clients, and it seems to work well when done right. I call it the 3-Step Framework of Communicating.
Here is how it goes…
- THANK YOU
- Take Responsibility
- Statement/Request
Step #1: Thank you…
You ALWAYS want to start with something positive and state what the person does that you are thankful for. This helps keep the person from getting defensive from the start.
So, you can start any conversation with: “Thank you for ______”.
Step #2: Take Responsibility
You don’t want to point fingers. Usually, there is something you are doing that is feeding the problem as well, even if it doesn’t seem like it. And sometimes this might include an apology.
You want to use what is called, “I-Statements” during this step. So, it could sound something like this:
“I have been feeling a little overwhelmed about _______”.
“I am sorry that I have not been more present lately, I have been struggling with ________”.
Step #3: Statement or Request
In this step you want to be very clear about what you want or need. People cannot read your mind and if you do not ask for what you want or need the other person will never know. So, something like this:
“I am needing some help with ______. Do you think you would be able to help with that?”
When talking about parenting you want to make the “parenting” a third-party issue that is something you and your partner are working on together as a team. Ask your partner questions using genuine curiosity. When you ask more questions you will get more answers instead of just assuming you know what is happening.
Here is an example of how this conversation might go when addressing parenting…
To my husband:
Thank you so much for all you have been doing to provide for our family. I see how hard you work, and I am thankful.
I feel like I have been a little distracted lately and maybe a little irritated. I am sorry if I have been taking it out on you.
Lately, I am feeling a little overwhelmed with everything that has to do with parenting. I was wondering if we could please talk about the areas that might be too much for me. As a team I would love to see if we can come up with some solutions. I feel like I would be a better mom/wife/person if I didn’t feel quite so heavy with all these responsibilities.
*At this point you could list some areas in which you would like to request help.
After you present your part it is best to wait for a response. This usually tells you a lot. If your partner is not willing to participate in the conversation and/or is not willing to help you, then there probably needs to be a different type of conversation.
Reminder: Timing is kind of important. Try to pick the best time your partner will be able to listen to you.
Side Note: Men’s brains do not hold onto information the way women’s do. Please do not think that what you are wanting/needing will magically happen overnight. When asking men for something different it is like planting a seed. Then you must continue to water it until it just becomes what they do.
For example: I will ask my husband for something, and he will crush it for about two weeks. Then it fades away. I used to get mad about it but now I just remind him about every two weeks. Sometimes I write it on a post-it note or the white board so he sees it constantly lol!
Remember, this is all a practice and something you just keep trying. There are two really good books about the brain and how it works for males and females. I highly recommend reading them to better understand your partner and your kids!
The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine
The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine
This 3-Step Framework of Communicating can work for a lot of different conversations. Give it a try and let me know how it goes! Hope it helps!
YOU GOT THIS MAMA!
