Husband is Depressed
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I can tell my husband is depressed. He has been for a while and I’m just unsure how to support him right now. Not to mention we have 3 kids and I’m feeling super burnt out carrying the emotional load of the family. He’s snappy with the kids and it’s the biggest turn off. Any ideas to help him get back to normal?
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have 3 kids too and have definitely been depressed. So has my husband. Individual therapy has helped me so much. I started anti depressants recently too, and it's been GREAT. But, if someone was asking my husband this question when I was at my lowest - I think I would say: hang out with me... listen to me without offering me a solution... show me that you SEE me. I hope this is helpful!!!
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We’ve been there. Things got really bad and desperate and I basically had to say “start therapy or we need time apart.”
Painful for everyone but also painful for everyone to watch him continue a downward spiral.
He’s doing MUCH better now.
Sorry you’re going through this -
3 kids is no joke and its not easy, we've been there. We were trying to avoid going on medication so we had him go to a functional medicine doctor and get full labs drawn. She recommended certain supplements to help where he was lacking, as well as tested his testosterone.
As a family we also tried to stop drinking, get enough sleep every night and slow down and start to say "no" more. I feel like society doesn't make parenting easy, and we have trouble "keeping up" with all the activities sports etc.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have 3 kids too and have definitely been depressed. So has my husband. Individual therapy has helped me so much. I started anti depressants recently too, and it's been GREAT. But, if someone was asking my husband this question when I was at my lowest - I think I would say: hang out with me... listen to me without offering me a solution... show me that you SEE me. I hope this is helpful!!!
@Orange-Yak I completely agree with everything you said! 🫶
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I hear you! We have recently started couples counseling and my husband has opened up about symptoms of depression. We are going to start doing some individual sessions to help that. Cutting alcohol, seeing a functional medicine doctor to check out all labs and can recommend supplements also helped. It’s a hard season of life with little kids and just give grace. I have seen wonderful changes in my husband but the person has to be open to trying to change things. Unfortunately, we had to hit “Rock bottom” for drastic change. Hoping your husband will be open to some help and change.
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We're actually going through this right now and I left a message for his doctor (he was scheduled to go in) and expressed my concern and asked him to check in on my husband. Bc of HIPPA he can't follow up with me but I'm hoping he at least talked to him about options. This was last week so this is unfolding right now.
It's really hard, i'm sorry you're also going through this. Sending positive vibes your way
I also think this is way more common than is talked about, so thank you for asking this. -
This was my husband last summer. We were also adjusting to 3 kids, all the activities, etc. While this isn’t a new suggestion, we did couple counseling and it helped tremendously. I will say that it’s very important to find the right therapist. We’d done it before several years back and that guy wasn’t a good fit. However, this time my husband really liked who we saw, and what she said resonated with him. She forced him to talk about his feelings and get things out in the open (he tends to hold onto emotions and they basically fester inside). Know y’all aren’t alone and he’s very lucky to have a partner that’s looking out for him 🩷 Best of luck and happy to share my therapist’s info if needed (female, virtual only, accepts insurance).
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Good for you for acknowledging a problem. I feel like you’re already so much healthier than most. My husband and I both struggle with depression and we’ve both gone in and out of counseling over the years. It has worked really well and we always seem to pull out of it. So much of parenting/life is ups and downs. That’s the natural cycle of things. We live in a society where we’re sold a perfect picture all the time. Just remember you’re normal and don’t panic! Counseling, rest, healthy lifestyle, faith in a higher power, medicine if you need it will get you through. You’re normal!
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Depression is usually seen as a product of dealing with something from the past. Sometimes our husbands can go through stages of grief where they are grieving the life they had before kids...you know, when they had a fun, care-free wife that paid attention to them and did fun things with them lol.
Sometimes they have to grieve the lost of that woman too, just like we have to grieve that part of us. The reality is, that woman we used to be won't be coming back, at least for a long time. So we have to grieve that identity and they do as well.
Seeing a therapist can be a huge help
I also want to point out a few things that can cause symptoms of depression that are not mentally related but cause mental issues. If he is low in Vitamin D and/or Testosterone this can cause major symptoms of depression. Think "Grumpy Old Man"...this is what happens when men get older. They have low Vitamin D and very low Testosterone. They become grumpy and don't want to leave the house...
With Vitamin D the optimal level for mental health is having the level over 50. With Testosterone a male should be as high as possible without side effects (aggressive behavior). I would work to find a credible endocrinologist and have some blood work done. They should monitor the levels as they rise to make sure that male gets to an optimal level and feels like himself again.
And for the record, this is the same for us women! Obviously, we don't need as much Testosterone but it is still important for us to have it at a level that keeps us from feeling grumpy and depressed. Plus, have your Vitamin D check asap. It can make a HUGE difference!
