Men are from Mars… women are from Venus
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Here to follow! I feel like I try to explain this to my husband. Sadly I try to explain this when I am tired and emotional before my cycle or before he is ask for sex. He isn’t taking me serious when I’m emotional or it’s going in one ear out the other. Just a dog sitting for a bone. I am going to set a goal next cycle to talk to him the first two weeks so we are on neutral ground.
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This is a tough one for sure. One resource I often recommend is the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. I’ve had patients (and their partners!) read it together. It talks about "accelerators" (things that turn you on) and "decelerators" (things that turn you off), and how everyone’s balance is different. Understanding this can make such a difference in intimacy — it’s not about fixing something, it’s about getting to know your own wiring better.
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I don’t have a for sure answer for you, but, I have found that if I make sure I feel balanced and make myself a priority it helps my sex drive. My Natropath doctor recommended continuing pre natals even post babies, as well as eating 20-30g protein for my hormones at every meal. I also added in Maca and Ashwagandha which I can tell you 10000% helps (husband also takes).
This is so common and relatable, life can be so exhausting with work, kids and balancing quality time!! I think it's important to have the conversation with your husband at a time where everyone is rested, and kids not around and make sure he is aware of how you feel!! We also started having a weekly date night which helped us spending quality time together, and also take the night off of putting kids to bed!!
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I am going to share something that helped me personally and something I share with my clients all the time... I remember when I first heard about the 5 Love Languages and honestly, I remember rolling my eyes lol.
That was until my relationship imploded and I had no idea why. So what did I do? I decided to actually read the book and I quickly understood why that relationship did not work out! (So thankful it didn't work out though lol)
The thing is, I didn't even truly understand my love language and what I actually needed. And this book helped a ton!Fast forward the next relationship to the man who is now my husband...
This time I made sure I understand his love language and I had to help him understand mine. I know it sucks a little bit, but as women we actually have to teach our partners how to love us...because well, we are complicated and no one can read our minds hahaIf you don’t know your love language, I highly encourage you to take The 5 Love Languages Quiz. It’s easy, insightful, and it can be a game changer when it comes to building stronger connections and relationships, not just with your significant other but also with friends and family. So, ask your partner to take the quiz as well so you both know exactly what each other needs!
I encourage a lot of women to do this and explain to their husbands what EXACTLY they are needing. Because I'm going to be real honest... MENS BRAINS DO NOT THINK LIKE THIS. They do not read between the lines and they do not get it unless told. I literally have to remind my husband about every two weeks that he needs to speak my love language (Quality Time) or he will quickly have a wife who will shut down.
Lastly, here is an example of how to explain it: "Husband, the way you need sex to feel loved is different for me. I need some quality time in order to feel loved. If I am not getting that from you, it feels a lot like you feel when you do not receive physical touch from me. I need my needs to be met in this way in order to want to meet your needs in return".
And then lay it out for him by stating exactly what we you need. If you he needs a gentle reminder every two weeks give it to him... hopefully at some point it becomes the way you guys operate together.Love Language Quiz: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes
Hope this helps
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Totally hear all of this! I just listened to the Mel Robbins “a guide to intimacy” with a sex therapist and that had some great info and tips. Was a super easy funny listen that y’all could both maybe listen to!
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I agree, just tell him. "I am different from you and I need this in order to give you that"
If he's not responsive to that then we've got bigger problems. -
I would agree that communication is key. Maybe when the time is right, have some drinks (or whatever makes you feel good and confident) then you approach him with what you’re asking of him (flirting, engaging conversation, a fun game etc) then there’s your opening to tell him. Show him that’s what you want.
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Agree with what everyone has pretty much already said, COMMUNICATION is key!!! I also think communicating at the right moment. Sometimes I wait until I am super frustrated and then choose to communicate and it always comes off worst. I would try to sit down and communicate this to him at a calm time (not crazy mornings with kids), and also at a time nowhere close to "intimacy time".
A therapist once told me, research shows if you sleep naked together it stimulates the release of oxytocin, which plays an important role in building attachment between partners. Also showing intimacy (hugs, kissing, holding hands) at random times during the day vs. only around "intimacy time".
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I totally hear you on this!! It is a common challenge. 1 free resources that might be helpful is a coach I know that specializes in helping couples: https://www.lindleygentile.com/
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There was a very good podcast recently on Mel Robins from Vanessa Marin. I would listen to it and then send it to your husband to listen to. It seems silly, but they truly don’t know and everyone is different. Communication is key and I find podcasts are helpful bc it’s not time consuming and it’s easy. Also anything with Esther Perel is very educational and sharable!
