anyone else had to cancel a party? feeling so sad about this
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Can’t believe I’m writing this, but I need some advice—and this group always comes through. My youngest child, my daughter, is turning 8 this month, and my husband and I made the really hard decision not to throw her a birthday party this year.
Over the last few months, her behavior has become incredibly difficult. I’m not talking about typical “off day” stuff. I mean frequent, intense outbursts—hitting, kicking, screaming, cursing, slamming doors, refusing to follow any directions, and saying deeply hurtful things to everyone in the family. It’s not isolated to one type of trigger or situation either—it’s been happening multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day.
We’ve tried everything—calm-down spaces, social-emotional tools, connecting before correcting, taking time to reflect together when things are calmer. But she flat-out refuses to use the tools and often escalates further when we try to help. It’s reached the point where my older child and I have both ended up in tears after the way she’s treated us when she’s upset.
One particularly heartbreaking example: on her older sibling’s birthday last month, she refused to join us for our celebratory family dinner. Not only that, she was so nasty to her sister that she ended up sobbing. My husband and I ended up taking our older daughter out to dinner without her. It was awful for everyone.
We told her several weeks ago that if she didn’t start being more respectful and cooperative, she wouldn’t have a party this year. We even gave her a few opportunities to earn it back with better behavior—but nothing really changed. And now here we are, just days away from her birthday, and I feel completely torn.
On one hand, this is the standard in our family: birthdays are a big deal. The kids get to skip school and do something fun with just us parents, pick out a special cake and theme, and have a party with friends. Her sister had a great party recently. So yeah—I feel sad and guilty that our youngest isn’t going to get that this year. She’s only 7, after all.
On the other hand, if we go back on the boundary we set—after clearly stating it and giving her chances to change—I’m afraid we’re just reinforcing that there are no consequences for truly harmful behavior. And she knows the expectations. She just isn’t interested in meeting them.
We do believe in gentle parenting, and I absolutely believe she’s a child who is having a hard time, not a “bad kid.” (Thanks Dr. Becky + Janet Lansbury.) But the truth is—our whole family is struggling right now. The emotional toll of her behavior has made daily life really heavy.
Tonight was just another example. We asked her to get pajamas on, and she shouted “I’m not doing anything you say!” and stormed off. We calmly told her it wasn’t a choice—it’s bedtime—but she just sat in her room reading, ignoring us. This kind of standoff happens every night and bedtime stretches until 10pm.
We’ve reached out to a few child therapists in hopes of getting her support, but there’s a wait to get in. Meanwhile, her birthday is coming up fast, and I keep second-guessing this decision not to celebrate.
Am I going to scar her by skipping her party this year? Will she just spiral more out of control if she feels rejected or left out? Or are we doing the right thing by holding the boundary and following through on a consequence we clearly stated?
Feeling really stuck and really sad about this.
– A Very Tired Mama
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Oh man, what a hard situation to be in. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like there is something else going on with her that is leading to her disregulated behavior. Anxiety can present like this for some kids and ADHD can as well. How is her sleep? Have you talked it over with your pediatrician? I think that could be a great place to start. It sounds like it is a problem that is pretty pervasive and taking away a birthday may backfire and not deliver the intended message. If she is feeling sad or anxious or she is dealing with anger and shame that may only perpetuate the behavior. Are there any other logical consequences you could try or alternatively focus on the days where she is not losing it and do some positive reinforcement? That can go a long way and you may already be doing that. Play therapists are really great at helping kids understand what big feelings feel like in their bodies and how they can cope before exploding and becoming completely disregulated. Thinking of you and hoping for some peace for her and your family
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totallyyyyyy understand when a child's behavior affects the entire family. Our therapist says to use consequences that make sense to the crime.
ie: talking back when getting off screens=no more screens, screaming about pajamas= going to bed 20min earlier the next day, bed time stand off= nothing fun in her room.This is clearly over simplifying it and you may have already used these strategies. It's so hard. Hang in there. I understand needing to do whatever you need to do to get through.
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First of all I’m so sorry you are dealing with this! I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to cancel her party and hold up the boundaries you’ve set - especially since it sounds like you cannot trust her reactions and don’t want her to be set off in front of her friends. If she acted the way you are describing in such a public situation that may have longer term consequences for her friendships.
I think it’s reasonable and you should to still celebrate her in a more intimate, controlled setting. Maybe she still gets the one-on-one special time with you, but not the party. That way she knows she is loved & cared for, but neither you or her has to deal with the stress of the larger social interaction
Coming from someone who has dealt with childhood anxiety, I can vividly remember times when there was an event I needed to be present for, but would’ve rather just been home alone without the pressure of “behaving normally” for my friends. I usually enjoyed social situations, but during the times when I was struggling, they made things worse.
If you do end up cancelling, I would just give the other parents, a vague, she isn’t feeling well excuse as to not embarrass her
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@elmer5678 - first of all, I think it’s amazing that you are being so intentional in your parenting. It takes a lot of work just to do the basics and you are really striving for they “big win” (long term character), instead of just a quick win here.
It sounds like you are on the right track to seek professional support and since you have to wait for a therapist that meets with her - in the meantime you can have someone supporting your decisions!
I’m a licensed counselor who specializes in working with kids. I used to see kids directly but found there was a gap where parents weren’t getting support for moments exactly like this. And there is a lot that can change with her, through some shifts in how you are responding to her behavior. I hear your value of gentle parenting and that is awesome. You clearly do so much to support your kids emotionally and to show how much they mean to you. Also - there are often small tweaks you can make from what may be a bit of overly gentle parenting- to be sure you are parenting with kindness and firmness at the SAME time, to build more emotion-regulation, respect and responsibility (that many parents are missing).
If you’d like a free consult- let’s talk!
Https://calendly.com/sustainableparenting/30-min-free-clarity-call
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What a hard situation… I’m sorry for all of you! I agree that you should hold the boundary of no big party, but compromise on just celebrating as a family this year. I also think talking with your pediatrician is a great place to start and maybe they can get you a referral that can help move you up the waitlist for a child therapist. I also have a great recommendation for neuronutrition associates 512-599-8850… could help get a baseline of what’s going on biologically? You could also check into a love and logic course… school districts and churches sometimes offer it! Also, I know it’s still summer, but maybe reach out to your child’s elementary school and set up a meeting in preparation for the next school year so everyone can be on the same page in supporting your child.
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Oh gosh, so sorry you are going through this! This is so hard! I agree with others in talking with a therapist and looking at nutritional deficiencies. But also does she have an ipad or phone or text? Did something happen to her with a text group that has made her so upset? I only ask as we have one a similiar age and I see her getting upset or having fomo if she knows her friends did something without or got a better gift than she did (etc).
I think cancelling a b-day party is a pretty significant consequence. So if she has been warned then she knows that it could be a possibility. Like someone previously mentioned we try to pick consequences related to the issue at that specific time. Good luck Mama! Hang in there! We're all thinking about you!
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I am so sorry you are going through this, but also reading this made me feel less alone because we are struggling with similar behavior with our son. I was constantly taking punishments away and threatening things, just trying to survive and on top of all of it my mother in law mentioned “taking things away is just going to make him hate you, you need to give him the tools to cope”. That hit me hard and gave me lots of guilt. We did put him in OT to attempt to regulate his emotions, but I think what he needs is more therapy to learn the tools to calm his body down when he gets so mad.
All that to say, I’m here to learn too and thanks for posting this and just say good luck and parenting is hard and I never know the right answer or what feels right.
