My daughter is 15, almost 16. No matter how old our kids get, we often still see them as the little ones we’ve always known. It’s all part of the journey of parenthood, but sometimes that journey can surprise you in ways you never expected.
When my daughter was 14, she started sneaking out, and I was completely unaware. I thought her sleeping all day was just typical teenage exhaustion. I didn’t realize she was meeting up with older kids and drinking and smoking weed in a park. When I found out, I completely lost it—I screamed, and I grounded her. But after the initial shock, I realized my reaction wasn’t rooted in anger; it was fear. Fear for her safety, fear of what could have happened while I slept through the night, totally unaware my kiddo was running about town.
To control the situation, I began monitoring her every move and constantly fact-checking her stories. But the more I did, the worse things got—for both of us. She pulled away and stopped talking to me, and I felt completely in the dark about her life. It was heartbreaking.
Since then, I’ve made some changes. Yes, I installed cameras around our house so she knows sneaking out isn’t an option, but more importantly, I’ve worked on being open and realistic with her about things like experimentation and safety. Is she perfect now? No, she’s still a teenager. But I know so much more about her life now than I did before because she actually tells me.
One of the biggest shifts I made was creating a safe space for her to come to me. I’ve told her that no matter what, I’ll pick her up at any time, no questions asked, and I won’t punish her as long as she’s honest and keeps our communication open. There are still moments when she shares things that make me panic inside, but I’ve learned to stay calm and just listen. I offer her gentle guidance and remind her that her choices—good or bad—are for her to make.
It’s not always easy, but I’ve realized that building trust and keeping that line of communication open is far more valuable than trying to control every aspect of her life. I want her to know she can count on me, no matter what.
For those wondering where you might have gone wrong in your parenting, let me share something: I have an older son who was the “perfect” kid—straight A’s, a homebody, and everything you’d think would make me feel like an award-winning parent. Then there’s my daughter, raised in the same house by the same parents, and she’s her brother’s polar opposite.
What I’ve learned is this: You can’t blame yourself when things go off course, just like you can’t take all the credit when things go smoothly. Every child is their own person, with their own path to navigate. At the end of the day, we’re all just doing the best we can, and that’s enough.