My son used to struggle with this a lot. We found if we kept to that sweet spot of not putting him to bed too late, they went away.

Hi @MotherShip I’m glad you asked about this. It sounds like he may be vying for more power/control in the world. It’s common at this age for kids to stop responding to “can you please…” or “hey. You need to…” if we are sort of making a lot of requests or corrections through the day. Some things that may help include:

1. Bringing him to the table - to get his ideas for how it can go better. Ie. “Hey. I notice you saying ‘no’ a lot. So what ideas do you have for how we can make those situations better?” (Note - he may ask you to stop nagging or something like that. If so - consider option 2)

2. arrive to come across a bit more like an equal, in making requests. Ie. “Hey. The table needs to get set. What part do you think you could help with and what part should I do?” “What ideas do you have for getting your room clean this weekend?”

3. May as many agreements in advance as possible. I find kids at this age are less likely to do things when asked in the moment- but more cooperative when it’s been agreed ahead of time. Is. If he has a daily chore and it is written on the fridge each day, or there is a container of chore options and he is asked to choose one each day - before tech or friend time, then when you are nudging him with a reminder it can sound more like, “remember- when you are done with the chore, u can absolutely head to your iPad” or “wait. I notice you are about to walk out the door and your chore isn’t done yet,”.

And here are few other thoughts on the topic : https://sustainableparenting.com/sassing-interrupting-and-pushing-boundaries-more-and-more/

Thank you so much for bringing up this question. Even though it’s probably been very uncomfortable to be unsure what to do - I appreciate your openness and vulnerability. As a licensed therapist , with a specialty in working with youth and parents- here are a few thoughts.

1. I think your maternal gut is an important one to listen to. And the fact that you are considering the option of talking it out feels very tuned in. Punishing does not stop behavior. It may be important to use some natural consequences, like not having them unsupervised or any sleep overs, but I think it’s often best to lead with getting curious, not furious.

If you are not sure how to have that conversation, I’d reach out to your pediatrician, as they may have local resources for you. Also I love the website : https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/ Tons of great resources, books and articles there. This is also definitely seen as normal - u less there are some red flags: one of the two children being significantly older than the other, coercion or pressure from one child to the other, and problematic sexualized behavior that seems too advanced for curiosity within their age group. In this case, I’d recommend talking with a local therapist. Feel free to reach out if u wanna talk it through more.

I know this may sound overly simple, but sometimes you have to "suffer with a purpose" so you can stop "suffering in circles". Meaning - If you are clear with yourself and her that you are going to not hold her when you are cooking, or doing other things, you may have her cry for 1-3 times of you holding your ground - but then she will learn you mean it, and stop asking. Now I DON'T mean that you would never hold her again. But you can just be clear about your boundary. Like, "When I'm sitting on the couch, or playing with you I'm HAPPY to be able to hold you. When I am cooking, I am not able to hold you right now." And if you struggle to hold the boundary when she seems so sad - just think of it like a "kick the vending machine" response (we call this an extinction burst) - where she is trying EXTRA hard to see if you will change your mind. And what helps me in this moment is using the words: "I love you AND the answer is no." Trust me - it will be needed in many situations in the future. This is just the start.:)

The Anxious Generation. O. M. G. - I think all parents of kids 5-15 would especially benefit from reading it!

This is SUCH a great topic to be bringing up - thank you for asking. So - there are a few reasons kids don't listen, so I don't wanna oversimplify here - but I'll share a few quick things to consider, for starters:

1. Are you using a lot of "telling" instead of asking? Check out this video about curiosity questions, to see what I mean (and it's not about saying "Can you please...?") : https://www.youtube.com/live/KnjAk0Df1V8?si=6Tv0ZDWga9c9EZOn

2. Are you taking time to connect before you correct? https://youtu.be/rkjz98LgeA8?si=AuNGOvkZy-szxiyl

3. Are you seeking ways to empower your child to be able to do things without you telling them. ie. Do they have a bedtime or morning routine chart, or their own list of what to pack to get out the door, or a picture in the mudroom of the 4 things to take out the door (ie. lunch, coat, boots, backpack)? If you wanna chat more - feel free to comment here and we can.:)

This may seem overly simple, but the biggest thing that helps solo play, is insisting that they need to play on their own. Meaning, don’t fall into the urge to solve it for them when they say they’re bored or sad. You can use phrases like, I can’t wait to see what you come up with. Boredom is the thing that happens right before creativity, usually.

It’s definitely super normal that the older kid influences your younger kid. As a licensed family, counselor and parenting coach, I really don’t agree with thinking the younger one is wrapped of things by having an older sibling. Birth order does have different influences on a child’s personality, but there are always strengths along with challenges. Having an immediate buddy right there is quite positive for younger kids. And they get more pure interaction than the oldest kids got. So I wouldn’t stress about needing to create a different environment.

My daughter is turning 9 soon. Some things she loved last year were :

1. iPad pen to do graphic design/ drawing on an iPad. It’s a cool art way to be on tech and she is leaning some actual possible graphic design skills!

2. karaoke machine

3. an alarm clock (that plays music), so she can wake up on her own and listen to the radio in her room.