Hi! Therapist here- I love that you are asking this question because I bet there are other moms out there with similar questions. This topic can be uncomfortable to talk about but here are some tips:

• developmentally, this is VERY normal
• at this age, kids are just doing these behaviors because it feels “good” or “weird” (they aren’t sexualizing it- it’s just pleasure and curiosity)
• maybe next time she is doing it in the privacy of your hot tub at home, you can have a casual non-shaming conversation with her
• Ex: “Our bodies are really cool and they feel lots of different sensations! It can be fun to explore and be curious about the different parts of our bodies and what they do. Sometimes when we touch our private parts (or you can use the actual private part name) it feels good and that’s totally normal! But it’s something we do in private and not in front of other people. Just like when we go to the bathroom, change clothes, shower, bathe, etc...
• and make sure to let her know she can always come to you and ask anything on this topic in the future

You got this!

This is very normal and can be a common area of conflict between kids and parents. A few things to consider:

1. parent expectations may need to shift
2. usually if they are in a school sport they have to keep their grades up to play (which can be an external motivator)
3. is your child being challenged enough at school? Smart kiddos can often get bored in school and it can look like they don’t care
4. talk to the teachers and see what they are observing
5. look into getting child assessed for any learning difficulties to see if they need any additional support at school (ex: adhd)

Therapist here- I work with teens and I hear this often from parents. There is often a grief parents feel when this starts to happen. Although it can be a difficult adjustment within the family system, I assure you this differentiation is developmentally normal and important. Teens start to want more independence from their parents and their social relationships become priority. That being said, it’s still critical that they have a connected relationship with their family. Here are some ideas for how to stay connected with your teens during during this stage:

1. If they play a sport or participate in an extracurricular activity- stay involved in this with them as much as possible

2. Create an environment at home that encourages your teen to have their friends over often

3. Weekly, bi-weekly, or even monthly dinners with your teen. They can pick the dinner or the restaurant!

4. Family trips (allow them to bring a friend if possible, trips that have activities where they aren’t on their phones the whole time)

5. Take interest in their world

Hi!! Here are some referrals that I highly recommend for couples therapy:

Dr. Mathis Kennington
http://www.mathiskennington.com

Couples Concierge- Lindley Gentile
https://carrot-scarlet-styc.squarespace.com/

Mia Sewell
https://www.eternalbloomcounseling.com/

Caroline Wibbelsman
https://www.carolinewibbelsman.com/